The College Food Chain

THE DEAN

Leaps tall buildings in a single bound

Is more powerful than a locomotive

Is faster than a speeding bullet

Walks on water

Gives policy to God

THE DEPARTMENT HEAD

Leaps short buildings in a single bound

Is more powerful than a switch engine

Is just as fast as a speeding bullet

Talks with God

PROFESSOR

Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds

Is almost as powerful a switch engine

Is faster than a speeding BB

Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool

Talks with God if a special request is honored

ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR

Barely clears a quonset hut

Loses tug of war with a locomotive

Can fire a speeding bullet

Swims well

Is occasionally addressed by God

ASSISTANT PROFESSOR

Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings

Is run over by locomotives

Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury

Treads water

Talks to animals

INSTRUCTOR

Climbs walls continually

Rides the rails

Plays russian roulette

Walks on thin ice

Prays a lot

GRADUATE STUDENT

Runs into buildings

Recognizes locomotives two out of three times

Is not issued ammunition

Can stay afloat with a life jacket

Talks to walls

UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT

Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings

Says "Look at the choo-choo"

Wets himself with a water pistol

Plays in mud puddles

Mumbles to himself


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